fringe is over! bittersweet. i had so much fun. met so many amazing ppl. did my theatre debut at the edmonton fringe of all fringes! we had a good crowd every night. i think the lowest would be about 100, most being almost sold out at 300 at the westbury theatre. i ate flipside every time i had money to buy food. that food truck is unreal. also clutch having a dish with rice. for the volunteers and performers there all week and just eat on the grounds every day. THANK YOU. for havin healthy meals that taste so fckn goooood. bimbos save the world is heading to fort mac this wknd. happy for them. i cant go as i have other shows in yyc. my virgo struggled with this gig yall lol. seeing all the flaws in planning but not able to do anything about it cuz the leader wants no help is excruciating. but we got through it, i played my role, and it was a great show. 

anyway, was smokin just now and started reminiscing on my stay in edmonton. so fortunate aliza let me crash here for free, i go home tmrw, today is the 24th, i've been here since aug 7 yall! i will miss everyone here but i miss my bed. also didnt get to connect or any studio sessions or nothing, i was so tired. show days were a 6 hour chunk of the day, show times ranged from noon to 1145pm. yalllllll. wild. lol so it was just all over the place and now the day before i leave im sat here and thinking, wait do i want to go home? what do i want to do. my bday is coming up soon. what do i want? annnnnd i started crying lol. ive been just doing whats needed, and doing for others, that i couldn't answer the question and that made me sad. theres def a song in there, but i tried to write it out and ended up here instead lol. i have no weed, but heading to the store soon, not sure why i said that. i guess cuz my morning sober thoughts are so unhinged lol. i wake up ready to fight for my life. i open insta and remember why i fight for my life everyday. how i still walked around fringe like an outcast cuz i counted all the black ppl per day on two hands lol. how uncomfortable i felt at most times. im just tired. i want to go to a place thats all black and all queer. HAHAHHAHA jks it doesnt exist……..gotta pick one and lose one. i want to be celebrated for being me. im single af cuz im ME. i know i'm a lot. so go find less lol. only for a split second do i think like wait. am i undesirable? am i annoying? am i too weird for a partner? have i gotten to a point where ppl are intimidated to even ask me out? scared i might write songs about them?  dont get me wrong, ive asked out a few baddies, not interested lolol. so i dunno what im doing wrong. anyway nbd. im tangent ranting, what were we even talking about. meh. i want. i guess i dont know what i want but i know what i dont want. and i know that i need to get away. i need time away from here, from everyone, from everything. from respobsiblities for just a week or a month. ive lost friends i havent grieved the deaths of for over a year cuz im just working. i havent taken time for myself since my bday last year and it was just 12 hours, the next day when i had to come back to do two shows back to back nights in diff cities so my phone was blowing up. so was it a rest?  i hate that concept too. like go ahead take a break, but everything is going to be even more piled up when u get back. whats the point?

i hope i dont sound too defeated in this blog post. im still here. im just at the point where i KNOW i need a break and it needs to come soon or i might just crash and burn. but guess what, financially and just work wise, i just dont have the means to take that break and its sad. what do i want? i want to be loved..and showered with inconsequential money. thats all. why i always cry around my bday? cuz i put my goal end dates on my birthday. i should prob stop doing that lol. but each birthday it reminds me how much farther i still have to go, instead of reflecting on how far ive come. i need a spliff.